Upcoming movies from director Michael BayCrawler
In this film, Michael Bay takes a surprisingly artistic turn, relying heavily upon narration to tell the story---even the dialogue.
While investigating the disappearance of the town sheriff, the idealistic young deputy (Bruce Willis) and his newly-wedded wife (Kiera Knightly) discover a crashed space craft with a hideous, carpet-like monster inside. Though this creature is safely strapped down, another wreaks slow, steady havoc throughout the idyllic countryside, devouring everyone in its path. Gradually, the deputy and a Creepy Scientist Guy Sent By the President discover the horrible truth: the Crawler is actually a chemical laboratory created by aliens to study the human race in order to prepare for invasion!
Steve Buscemi outshines the rest of the cast as the scientist. Features a cameo by Beyonce in gold lamé pants and Jamie Foxx as the Wacky Black Guy. Narration by Charlton Heston.
Can Willis and Buscemi stop the monster before it sends its data to its nefarious creators? What else can we blow up? Why do people keep paying to see Michael Bay's movies, for the love of God?
Find out--- in Crawler
Coming very, very slowly to a theater near you.
---Charge the Parents
Tom Cruise is Jimmy, an all-American teen-aged boy whose public praise for his parents contrasts sharply with the depraved reality of his home life. After an award-winning essay EXPLODES in his hands, he becomes a shoe salesman, where he meets sexy rock star/mafia assasin Missy (Milla Jokovitch). From then on he unwittingly becomes a member of the mob, until a botched hit sends him running for his life. Many overly-long car chases later, he finds salvation---and delicious food for low, low prices, have your way---working for the saintly manager of a Burger King (Morgan Freeman).
But Jimmy's past catches up with him, and he confronts his former mob boss (Christopher Walken)---on top of the Washington Monument.
The heart-wrenching family breakdown all comes to a head in the final explosive courtroom scene.
Steve Buscemi, in a brief cameo as the Oily Creepy Mob Guy, outshines the rest of the cast. Features Chris Tucker as the Wacky Black Guy.
---the Nuclear Cochlear Implant
The stunning Jessica Alba plays the leader of a secret organization, the Vixens, a league of beautiful young women in form-fitting latex sworn to justice. When Fox Woman's nemesis, the Europy-sounding Bad Egg (Michael Cane) gets his hands on a Nuclear Cochlear Implant and some Happy Bisque it's up to Fox Woman, the Vixens, and the men who ultimately come to the primarily useless females' rescue to save the world.
Features Steve Buscemi as an oily minion of Bad Egg who re-thinks his position after falling in love with his captive Vixen. Watch for Jet Li as the Chinese Ghost. Damon Wayans plays the Wacky Black Guy.
Okay, honestly, I have no idea what the hell is going on in this one. There's a foreign dictator and some guys and a bunch of explosions.
Preceded by a chilling cautionary tale on the explosive consequences of improper posture.
(Here's one from revme
Watch as Scarlett Johannessen, Jude Law and Dakota Fanning drive through the desert, only to come upon an abandoned mansion -- the last abandoned mansion of their lives! Featuring Nic Cage as the Demonic Manservant Ortgo and Sean Connery as the MASTER himself! No one admitted during the final climatic 10 minutes in which it's revealed that the house EXPLODES! And also, THE MASTER got their souls and apparently made Dakota Fanning his Sex Slave Of The Damned as well as Scarlett Johannessen. 'Cause, seriously, that was kinda messed up. I mean, it WILL be messed up, because it's WHOLLY ORIGINAL! Speilberg says so!
Michael Bay returns to a mythical age of epic heroes in the Cavern
. Toar (Christian Bale), a smart, masculine sword-weilding guy. Toar's quiet, contemplative life is interrupted when a beautiful young woman (some skinny blond chick) with an arrow in her chest arrives on his doorstep. She is the daughter of a brillaint scientist (Sean Connery) currently held captive by an evil, Europy, vaguely metrosexual villain who intends to use the scientist's latest discovery to destroy the world. Toar sets off on a journey to recover the discovery and save America with nothing but his wits, his mentor (Pat Morita), and an exploding helicopter he builds in thirty seconds.
Steve Buscemi outshines the rest of the cast as the oily Snake Cult Guy. Anthony Anderson plays the Wacky Black Guy.